Hmmmmmm . . .snark . . .snork . . . . .mmmmn . . .whassat?//>* . . . whozzere?<$^% . . .what's goin' on? %^&@!!@#$%^&*()_ . . . Umph, it's the damn iPhone. Hello! Who is this? Can't a feller get a nap once in a while? Who is this? Marleen, Marleen who? Marleen, my new assistant? You the one they hired to replace Matthelde the Visigoth from the Heart of Hell. Well, leave me alone and call me in June when it's time to start my writin' and epistlin' again. And not one minute sooner.
What? It is June. What day? 15th, hunh? What time? 8:00. At night? Well. it's only a little before nine in the morning here. I don't care if they did hire you three days ago to get ready for my grand awakening. Sounds like they went to a lot of trouble. 'Course that despot publisher of mine would want to save every last cent he could. Wouldn't know literature if it hit him in the . . . ? Marleen, the first rule of Carlitude is to never interrupt when I am making a point about literary criticism and the finer points thereto. I didn't spend a whole semester my sophomore year reading Foucault, Derrida, Stanley Fish, and Al Capp for nothing, ya know.
Well, you did your job. I am now awake and vertical. Send me the news clippings from the Internets, and I'll try to spit out something properly literary, bourgeois, learned, and entertaining on the state of things in general and me in particular. Right now I'll check the TV to see what's been happening. Democratics are in control, so it can't be too bad. Got to generate some revenue for the Truth Conglomerate. Truth ain't cheap, ya know.
Why won't my TV work? Got the best antenna money can buy. I betcha the cable companies have figured out a way to get into everybody's house so they can get control over your cerebral cortex. I'll have to get Stan, Stan the TV Man over here to fix it, I reckon. Hope he can git-r-done before Greg Kerr and Ken Bates are on News 2 tonight. Lemme check the newspapers. The Greensboro News and Fishrap is down to almost no pages. No TV, less newspaper. Somebody must be trying to hide something.
About time Marleen got some stuff to me on the Internets. Holy rollin' excreditude, Marleen. What happened to my 401K? I left the Democratics in charge. Things were supposed to get better. Who'd they put in charge of the Treasury, one of the Baldwin brothers? I knew they were a big contributor, but come on! And what about all of these budgets? Likes look Arnold and that Carolina Governor lady finally have something to talk about. States are broke and gettin' broker. Shoot, somebody might actually have to pony up some taxes. I guess this stuff we have like roads, and schools, and sewer lines, and colleges actually do cost money after all. Plus subsidizing' sports teams and big bidness. And to heap the creamed corn on the sweet potatoes, the Democratics have bailed out banks and high rollers. Like a batrillion bucks worth. What a country! (Note to self: Check to see if they'll pay off the girl's student loans. And stop by the post office to pick up my share of that recovery money. I guess that's where they pass it out. I ain't greedy, but I ain't taking it in stamps either. Too much inflation.)
Let's check the Sports. There's always good news in Sports. OK, OK, the good guys are winnin' the shiny, more advertising the better but I do it for the love of going fast car races. Lakers won the Not Basketball Association Championship. Pittsburgh won Stanley's cup--wonder of it's related to the TV guy. Some guys did drugs, some guys jumped teams, Yankees got a new stadium but can't win, Tiger likes his kid. Pretty much the same old stuff. Here's a new one--they recruit in high schools now. Sure hope one of the grandkids can shoot the three.
Ah, well, that's about enough for now. At least I'm on the record for June 15. Better call Marleen and give her the good news. Carlitude has re-emerged. Better call that Lashley guy too and tell him to crank up the antenna. Look out for incoming. Gotta get me some of that Starbucks coffee.
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