Dear Readers,
I am writing to apologize in advance for anything that you might read or misinterpret in the coming weeks that spews from the twisted mind/mouth of the evil, libidinous, self-indulgent, odious, and otherwise untoward malignancy, Carlitude, for whom I have unfortunately been named channeler in a fetid admixture of bad luck, poor timing, lack of grace, and cruel and unusual penance for sins that forthwith shall not be named. It appears that the half-wit haint has arisen from its respite in an undisclosed location and was able to slip a misdirected missive into the popular discourse without our knowledge on 15 June. Its newly hired assistant, Marlena Francesa Kilpatrick of the Goose Egg Kilpatricks, was the victim of her own inexperience and naivete in dealing with the rascal. And so, our peace is once again disrupted. As if things weren't bad enough already.
So, our advance apologies go out to President Obama and any member of his administration, including Arne Duncan in spite of his efforts to create a national curriculum; the hapless New York Yankees; Dick Cheney, whose forays into public from his undisclosed location have created their own stir; all former, current, and future members of the North Carolina Legislature; Governor Perdue and the cast of characters who will lead her down the primrose path of trying to make budgetary lemonade out of hog waste, Eastern NC barbecue, tax incentives for Apple Computer, and tobacco squeezin's; the Guilford County Board of Education and any and all other school folks who are just trying to get by in an educational era where nobody gets it; and the cast of The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, NCIS, Imus in the Morning, and Days of Our Lives. Also, apologies go out to all of those of you who muck up Facebook with annoying and meaningless quizzes. You deserve our contempt, but we shall send you kind thoughts instead for the moment (arrrgh, it slipped on in, and I dare not delete . . . .)
Channeling Carlitude is a burden I bear in fear and trepidation, but bear it I must to expiate my transgressions and make a buck. I shall try mightily to temper the vile discontent that characterizes its fulminations. I hope you will bear with me in this time of trial.
CL
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