We have been thinking a lot about the current budget crisis in most of the states, and we have come up with what we believe most will call a brilliant solution--quite possibly a Nobel Prize winner. So, get ready. Here it is.
In order to close the huge budget gap that exists in American education, we propose that states eliminate ninth grade. It's all really quite simple. Of all the grades, which one is most troublesome? By eliminating ninth grade, states, and therefore school districts, could probably save a bunch from their school budgets. And eliminating ninth grade would also take care of a lot of the bad press that schools get, because ninth grade scores are often abysmal and thus schools do not do very well on standard indicators.
In most school districts, ninth grade is one of the biggest, if not the biggest grade? Kids get to ninth grade and get stuck. Which grade has the worst test scores, the highest drop-out rate, the lowest attendance rate? Which grade has more discipline problems? Which grade drives teachers craziest? If there were no ninth grade, there would be no ninth grade test scores, no ninth grade drop-outs, no ninth grade absentees, and no ninth grade suspensions. High schools at least would show a huge improvement, and they would pull the rest of the district along with them.
NInth grade students need more special programs, more special services, smaller classes. Many of these could be cut if the ninth graders weren't around. So we would be able to dis-employ a minimum of 7.7% of teachers (13 grades, eliminate one equals 7.7%) plus a few administrators, counselors, special ed teachers, remedial specialists, and a few more for good measure. There would be less tests to buy, less copy paper, fewer textbooks, fewer books for the library, and less of that school stuff in general. Also, we would be able to cut JayVee sports, because there wouldn't be any ninth graders to play, and that could probably apply to extra-curriculars in general. Our crack school finance team estimates that school budgets could be reduced by a minimum of 10%. (Fairness disclosure: We cannot provide documentation for our calculations, because we ran out of adding machine tape during the run-up to writing this column.)
The first criticism we are sure to get is "what happens to the students whose grade is eliminated?" Well, first, we won't call it the elimination of a grade. Let's call it a sabbatical. When students get to ninth grade, they get a sabbatical. They have already been in school eight or nine years--some maybe ten or eleven. The next three years are going to be tough, getting ready for life in the real world. Kids need a break; they need a sabbatical. The ninth grade year is their sabbatical year.
"What will ninth grade kids on sabbatical do for a whole year?" First, not our problem. When kids are not in school, they are the parents' problem, the community's problem. They do something during the summer or on snow days. They'll figure it out. Solutions always come for unexpected problems--right. Second, ninth grade kids are old enough to take care of themselves, pretty much. Leave it to their ingenuity. They'll come up with something. Finally, with all the opportunities for learning out there in the world from TV and the Internets, they'll probably have the chance to learn a lot of things we never would have planned for anyway. Plus they will learn to appreciate school more, so when they come back, they will be much more ready to latch on to the stuff on the tests.
Our last argument--who teaches ninth graders in the current system? New teachers who don't have a lot of time in the system. So, eliminating ninth grade would affect the jobs of younger, less experienced teachers. We won't have the problems cutting them loose that we'd have with the older, well-established teachers who know the union rules and can figure out how to hold on to their jobs. Plus, younger teachers are more resilient anyway. They'll land on their feet. Another year or two at Wal-Mart will be good life experience.
So, that's our solution. Take out ninth grade. Better test scores. Fewer problems. Fewer squawking teachers. Better motivated students when they return. Most of you can remember ninth grade. It wasn't all that great anyway.
